It's wierd because, ever since parting ways with a certain friend, I feel as if other friendships have gone down the drain as well. One person I used to talk to frequently has become distanced. Its almost as if I don't feel comfortable around her anymore :( And I don't know what I can do to change that. The saddest part of it all, is the fact that I don't think it'll ever change.
I find myself being more and more upset as the day to return to school approaches. I don't want to see everyone, I used to always look forward to returning to school, but now I want to spend time at home, with my family, most importantly, my dad. I've been feeling that his time is slowly approaching, and he'll leave me. I know that there is nothing I can do to stop it, but I can't figure out how to make our time together better.
It's fun to think of all the times we've had together to just talk. Most of the time it involved me crying because of friends, and my mother and such. But sometimes we got into conversations where he was the one who got misty eyed. The one that makes me smile and cry the most was when we talked about the meaning of success. I asked him if he thought he was a successfull parent. And he said that he thought he was so far, because I was willing to ask him things like that. Or something to that affect, and then we continued on to talk about what he'd like to see in life. That's when he started to cry, he told me how he couldn't wait to see me graduate, and get married, and make grandkids for him. It's wierd, but it's almost like i'm in a hurry to graduate, so he can see me. Although I know there is nothing I can to do speed up time.
It'd be horrible if I had to live with my mom though. Because spending 5 days over there, is like an eternity. After I got back from spending New Years with her, I found myself in awe of my real home, with dad, I gave him a big hug as soon as I arrived, and when I had supper, it just smelled so wonderful. Several days later, i'm still glad to be home. I feel as if I just went away on a trip or something.
I was thinking the other night. Why do I have a journal? I never feel comfortable saying what I really truly feel. Even in ones that aren't online. I never mention names, out of fear of the people reading it. Eh... I don't know what to think anymore. Tonight has been one confusing night.
On the other hand, one of the only people I give a shit about called me the other day. Yes I know it sounds small, but the thing is: she's in Australia. I miss her so much, although she'll only be gone till the 14th, it was a whole month. We talked for about 20 minutes, and it was good. She's good and safe, so i'm happy. Today I recieved a postcard from her, it's on my fridge, so that every day i'll see it and be reminded of her. The day she gets back, i'm gonna go pick up her boyfriend and go over to her house to give her the welcome she deserves. I can't wait.
Anyways, it's late, I need some sleep.